Neyinka

It would have been kinder if they had just fired me.

So because one one stupid joke I sent to my mother from work, I have been put back on the phones.

Never mind the fact that I've been doing my current job for more than a year - I was still considered to be 'on secondment.' I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT. This is the SECOND time they have done this to me. They say there's nothing wrong with your work, your work is fine, but REFUSE to give me any permanency.

Other people get it after their 3 months. But for some fucking stupid reason that I don't understand I NEVER EVEN GET THE OFFER. Oh they say I will and I ask and work my arse off... but NADA.

And so they shuttle me off to a job that I am BAD at and that I HATE. The kicker is this, I could get a statement from my numerous doctors saying that putting me on the phones is dangerous to my mental health and preventing them from doing so. But I don't because I would feel like I was taking advantage. eing on the phones was the reason I started taking codeine. It was the reason I started drinking. Because I need something - anything - to shut me off from the reality of it.

And now I'm expected to make sales - which I refuse to do unless it's best for the customer. To do other wise would make me feel sleazy. I've also had NO training on it or the new system. Oh I know how to fix it and arrange your reporting in it, but USING it? And it's not exactly an easy thing to learn.


I need a new job. Fuck, I need a new life.

I'm currently really glad that my desk is in a corner facing away from everyone, because I'm sitting here with tears, that I can't stop, falling on my keyboard.

There was a time when I really enjoyed a debate, crossing swords of logic with an opponent - and I was really good at it. But in the last few years every time  an argument comes up I either back down entirely and just say 'yeah you're right' or give a half-hearted attempt at putting forward my position only to just give up, say 'whatever' and fall back to my own corner. Because if I continue I'll embarrass myself with tears and emotions I'm not really sure I can identify, much less understand.

What the fuck happened to me? How did I get to this point? I can't take an even barely critical word before tearing upset, and here's the kicker it's not because I think I'm worthless - I actually have pretty decent self-esteem. It's because... Hell, I don't know. In a meeting almost a year ago now two TL's were just asking me why my behaviour was as it was (long story - due to shuffling people around I got put back on the phones and was expected to take calls and make sales in a call type I'd never worked and was given no training) and I couldn't explain that they should be impressed that I was coming to work at all - I wasn't going to be happy about doing a job I hated and getting fucked around.

But I couldn't explain anything or articulate myself because I was sobbing so hard I quite litterally couldn't breathe. I don't know if it's my anxiety or what, but it's really starting to annoy me.

I think it started with Ash - one of the deepest and longest friendships I've ever had. And one of the most destructive, too. She manipulated me and isolated me, if I was feeling depressed she'd ply me with alcohol (on the occasions I said no, she spiked my drinks) and when I was drunk enough, convince me that D was lying to me, cheating on me, whatever took her fancy.

And she was so good at it and had me conditioned so well that I'd end up almost delierious, upset and mad enough to kill. I don't know how D ever forgave me for some of those calls I made or fights we had. 

You never had an argument with Ash. It was her way, or no way. And I was stupid enough and weak enough to let her break me. One day we were at her place and sitting out the front, smoking, chatting with her neighbours, and she came and sat on my lap - normal enough in itself, but she sort of started to... gyrate, swiveling her hips as if she was trying to make a move on me. Which made me uncomfortable enough in itself - so much DO NOT WANT it convinced me I really was an asexual.

So I stood up and sat her down in the seat I was using and went inside to go to the bathroom. That night, at about 11pm, my mother (hadn't moved in with D at that point) knocked on my bedroom door, woke me up and told me I had to take the phone. Her housemate had tried my mobile, but it hadn't woken me up, so he'd resorted to my home number - which I still don't know how he got - and was frantic because she had locked herself in the bathroom and said she'd cut herself but wouldn't let him in. She was screaming that she wanted me.

I made the 20 minute drive in 5, called an ambulance and made her go to hospital. And after that I pulled away - the stress of the whole situation was just too much, it was destroying me. And even though all she'd done was make a few shallow cuts, barely enough to bleed, I was terrified that she would kill herself and it would be my fault... somehow.

A huge fight was had, things were said that we probably both regret, and I got over it... But maybe not. I wonder if I let her break me so badly that I can't be fixed.

Discussion in the office today around a ex-coworker:

A: Hey, do you remember SF?
Me: Yeah.
A: I just found out he got married and has a kid! Isn't that wierd!?
O: SF? Really?
M: Oh my god, really? *hysterical laughter*
Me: Wow, that's weird.
O: I know! I can't believe anyone would sleep with him!
M: Oh much less have his spawn! Do you remember that weird mustache he had?
A: Oh man that guy never showered, I swear...
Me: *Speechless*

Now, I found it weird because the guy is a year younger than me and I somtimes don't realise that people my age get married and have kids - I live in a bit of a bubble and I still don't feel like an 'adult.'

What has concerned me here is the 'omfg that guy was totally fugly' comments. Because I never thought of him as being 'ugly.'

( Cut for some swearing )

I've been reading a book called 'The Reader' which is about a second-generation German boy and it asks the question of what is his generation's responsibility to the sins of their parents. Meaning, how should they act with the knowledge of what their parents did during the Nazi era? It is an excellent book, but it doesn't answer this question - and I don't think it was ever intended to.

I bring this up because I have been listening to the BBC World radio station, and today there was the question of climate change and how the coming generations will view us.

Am I comparing the Holocaust to the potential devastation of climate change? Yes, I guess I am. And I don't think I'm wrong in doing so. The potential for loss of life is even greater with global warming - though I hate that term, because climate change doesn't just make things hotter, it makes weather more erratic. But aside from that, there's something that I think is very important to look at.

Every person during the Nazi regime had a chance to speak out. Yes, there would have been consequences, but do you really think that the government could have overwhelmed the majority if they all stood up? I don't think so, and I would like to think that I would have been among those with the courage. I'd rather die in a camp than live with the knowledge that I could have saved even one life.

And now we have people saying 'what's the point? I can't do anything because there's countries like China and India who keep spewing out pollution! Anything I do is tiny in comparison."

And that's true. But again, I would rather try than know that I did nothing. Whether you inspire no one or a hundred people to follow your example, it's worth it. Even if only so you can look our second-generation in the eye and feel no shame.

I really wish I could go forward a few hundred years and see what they think of us. Sadly, I don't think it will be flattering. If they're even alive. I don't see the human race coming out of this one.

The pilot is my dad.

I had to call my mum and tell her. I never want to have to do that again. More than 24 hours later, I'm still shaking from shock and moments away from tears.

I'm confused though. Because really, I don't feel afraid, I don't feel lucky, I don't feel relieved. I don't feel happy that we dodged the proverbial bullet. I just feel... I don't know. Everything's all jumbled.

I just know that I feel lonely today. Yesterday I was getting update phone calls every hour or so, and now... It's like they're all going through this massive thing - sorting out insurance, retrieving the banner and wreckage - and I'm down here in Melbourne. Just going through my day, expected to be okay and normal.

Fuck, I'm so tired from the stress and adrenaline. I just want to crawl back into bed and go to sleep for a few days.

Picked up a prescription for my Effexor this evening. Pharmacist assitant proceeded to give me a 10 minute long spiel on how I should be taking 10mg of this particular fish oil a day to help with 'mental alertness' and that her daughter did and now she's off the nasty nasty drug and is flying unicorns over rainbows and climbing mount everest!!

Well no, not really. But obviously because her daughter took it and is now off effexor then everyone MUST TAKE IT. Because effexor is ONLY used for depression. Couldn't be treating my anxiety at all. And 'mental alertness'? WTF lady, learn you some science before you start prescribing people things! And when I say I want to check with my doctor first, it is not reasuring to say 'oh, but it's natural!'

So is pot and st. Johns Wort. Doesn't make them a GOOD IDEA. Do you have some shares in the god damn fish oil company?? Is that why you kept pushing it on me after I said NO?!

Yeah, I'm writing to complain about you. Sadly, I saw three people take your product after they had scripts filled for Effexor.

I know it's a nasty medication - I've had withdrawals and I have a nasty twitch from the meds. BUT THEY WORK FOR ME. And prescribed by my DOCTOR. You know, those peope who go to medical school? YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM.

Grr!

You left the fridge door open while you mixed your coffee (it's an Indian thing - mix instant coffee with a little bit of water to dissolve it, then fill it with milk and microwave it.) and I closed it. You already had the milk out, you were going to be a few minutes. I didn't say a word even though you were wasting energy needlessly in these times of global warming which has caused an ICE SHELF to nearly break off in Antartica.

There was no need to glare at me as though I had just stolen a lollipop from your firstborn. Opening the fridge isn't that hard. But, what ever, sorry for making you open it twice. Now this could have ended here. But no - after I'd filled up my water bottle and closed the fridge after you AGAIN - and really, let's not even consider the wisdom of microwaving polystyrene cups - you felt it your moral obligation to lecture me on how bad my much re-used plastic bottle was SO SO BAD for the environment and I should feel ashamed and if you had your way people like me would be locked up like criminals.

Seriously, what?

Happy birthday to zman923 !

Enjoy your day!

1. Dear Co-Worker,

I'm sorry that we have to move to the other building and yes, I realise that it has less aesthetic appeal than our current location. However, I did not make this decision, and we need the current space for consultants to be on the phones - you know them, the ones who make the company money?  There is no use griping about it and pouting like a little boy. Suck it up, quit complaining and pack up your stuff.

2. Dear Deaf Operational Manager,

No, we cannot transfer 60 people into the center with less than once day of notice. Actually, if you have a look at the turn-around times for our work, it actually days TWO WEEKS. 10 BUSINESS DAYS. And although I have told you this many, many, many times in the past and I am explaining all of this to you AGAIN today, feel free to ignore/forget what I've said and complain to my boss when it doesn't get done.

No, he won't listen to you, or reprimand me. We just enjoy it when you make yourself look like an incompetant whiner.

3. Dear lazy, egotistical consultant.,

When I spoke to you yesterday and asked you to attempt logging in again I asked you to write down the ENTIRE error message. No, 'it said something about locked or an error' is not sufficient information to fix your problem. No, I am not going to come over and watch you, you're an adult now and I have other work to do today - if this makes you angry, please feel free to speak to Deaf Operational Manager in regards to my earlier communication.

Do what I asked you to do and don't say you did because I KNOW you're lyiing. if you had done it, you'd either have information for me, or the problem would be fixed.

Oh an, one last thing... Saying 'thank you' once in a while might get you a friendly, happy admin who would just LOVE tocome and help you with the problem instead of sending you back and forth. Just a thought.

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25199421-401,00.html

I think someone needs to teach this lady that love does not equal sex.

For some reason I feel inexplicably down lately. Like on-the-verge-of-tears down, especially today. Which is strange because I should be feeling satisfied if not exactly happy. We just came up to date with system access and movements - after the hugh bollox up of the start of the month where they moved half the center and then were surprised when we failed adherance because none of them had access. It's a nice day outside, but I'm back in that mood where looking outside on a nice day, the sun shining and sky clear, makes my life feel that much more bleak.

I've started to revisit old hurts too. Reading old text messages from an argument, or brooding over terrible mistakes. Mmm, don't we just LOVE self-torture.

My parents are going away for a while, which gives me the excuse to go and feed/visit their puppies - who I love as dearly as my own - without having to deal with the lectures as well. Maybe that will shake me loose from my gloom.

Some one has added me as a friend, but they have no entries. They've also friended asexuality  and glad_to_be_a , but I've never heard of this person before, or seen any posts by them. This I find interesting, and a little worrying.There are people in my life with whom I have no desire to share some private things - things I mention in this journal. And some of these know I have an LJ.

I have no desire to make my journal friends-only, but I will be locking more posts for my own peace of mind.

If it is someone I know - and I really hope it isn't - I would hope that if they have questions about me, or want to know something, that they would just ask. I don't hold with the underhanded way of dealing with people that so many people in my world use.

You want me to do something? You want to ask a question? Just ask.

Happy Birthday wishes to thecoddess !! Hope you don't hae to do anything you don't wanna

Death toll is 181 - but expected to be over 300. I can't imagine having your home - let alone your entire town - completely wiped out - just decimated like a bomb was dropped on it. And the fires are still burning.

And I almost crashed my car on Monday when someone being interviewed started to beg anyone listening, "Please just go, it's not worth your life. Just get out, please just get out." I'm not the type of person to get emotional over things like this, but I would defy anyone to listen to that woman - hear the pain and pleading in her voice - and not shed a tear.

This is a strange experience for me, I've never been so moved by anything as much as I am by this disaster. I think it's because of the horrible nature of how these people died. In a fire like this you don't die from smoke, you die from the radient heat. The body's cooling system fails, causing heat exhaustion and heart failure. The air is so hot and the fire is eating so much oxygen that you could also die from asphyxiation.

And knowing all of this, I can't imagine the panic and fear as they realise that they are surrounded by flames and have no escape. How do you resign yourself to that kind of death? The only comfort I can find in this is that the fire was fast, they would have died quickly.

This is my country, these are my people. I have never before seen or heard news readers choke up or cry while broadcasting, but over the past weekend I have. More times than I care to remember. One hundred and eight people dead at last count, more than 750 houses destroyed. Entire towns completely wiped out. There is nothing left of them.

And this is about an hour from the CBD of Melbourne. Half an hour from my house. And there was a smaller fire that was 10 minutes away - we were prepared to evactuate. Hospitals are out of morphine. More than 70 schools have been closed. I cannot read their words without feeling their grief.

And these arsonists... I just hope they catch them and some justice can be found for the victims.

I cannot imagine what it is like to loose everything. But they are the lucky ones, they have the most important thing of all - their lives. My heart honestly bleeds for them. But my spirit lifts when I see the generosity and care shown by people - donating blankets, mattresses, food. I have collected my spare linen, clothes, shoes, pillows and as much tinned food as I can spare to donate tonight.

I feel the need to somehow ease someone's pain, even if only a little.

Donations can be made here

I just heard the best line I've heard in a long time.

"I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself."

Sometimes it hits me when I look down into the eyes of my dogs, that this is a little life that revolves around and completely depends on me.

Unconditional adoration, especially from my cocker spaniel. I guess I tend to think of them as just there - a fixture in my life - and so much of my life is routine that they become another cog in the machine, another operation to perform.

When I do focus on the lives that I take care of, I feel the love that I have for them so intensely. The quirks of their personalities, the borderline-psychotic tenor of their voices in my head, the obvious joy they have at seeing me when I've been gone for a few hours. Actually, that's the best part or my day - when they welcome me home. ^_^

Everyone needs pets - I recomend dogs. But get your own, these ones are mine. And I love them.

I had intended to spend this week doing some intensive work on my current story project. However , the 'hottest heatwave to hit Melbourne in th last 100 years' has prevented this.

I don't know why I'm surprised, for as long as I can remember my birthday has been the hottest day of the year. Stupid of me too take this week off. I could be in me nice air conditoned workplace!

I hate the heat. I can't think, I can't sleep, my place gets a huge amount of western exposure, so it's like an oven, no matter what I do.

I have been trying to talk to my parents about my asexuality, with little success.

So, in a fit of inspiration, I printed out a pamphlet from Asexuality Aotearoa New Zealand (And here's a question, how is it that New Zealand has an Asexual community website and Australia doesn't? Hmmm...) and gave it to my mother to read. While we were having dinner I asked her what she thought. Her response was 'it was interesting.'

Okay, interesting is good. So I continued, asking if she now understood how I felt when people tell me 'you haven't met the right person.' (And the other variations of denials) My mother responded with, "well, I find it incongrous that you read so much - import even - softcore porn!"

I'll admit to my love of romantica - the point where yes I am a little obsessed by it. But I've never hidden that. Seems to me that if I was using the books as a sexual aid, then I wouldn't read them on break at work or leave them lying around. And anyway, even if I did read them for stimulation, it wouldn't change my sexuality. I still don't have sexual attraction to another person.

I tried to explain this to her and she just shrugged and changed the conversation by asking my dad how to do something in Excel. (Whoa, subtle...) Seriously, I don't know why this is so important to me, that they accept what I am. People at work know, and it's fine. My friends know, and accept me. So WHY does this matter to me so much?

I don't know, but I ended up I drinking and crying for two hours before going to sleep. (Not that I wouldn't have had the alcohol anyway) The only positive I can dredge out of the evening is that I didn't cut. Bonus.

Am I asking so much? I just want one person in my family to understand or even just respect what I am. They can be cynical all they like, but I just want ONE of them to say 'Okay.' I'm so tired or pretending interest when a 'hot' guy comes on TV. I'm tired of the innuendo when I'm out with them and having to respond to remarks like 'he was checking you out, you should talk to him.' It feels so fake.

I'm not doing any of that from now on. I'm putting my foot down. But I still want that acceptance. I just don't know what more I can do to achieve it.

(X-posted to asexuality</lj> )